I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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