I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
