apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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