Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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