I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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