I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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