highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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