We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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