He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
