So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
