Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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