I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize