I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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