life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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