life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
