I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
