I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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