In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
