I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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