Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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