you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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