Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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