If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
