i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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