I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
