i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
