so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize