i need an iv and a liver transplant
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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