Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
