My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
