I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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