YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
