I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
