Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
