i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
