BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
