feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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