Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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