I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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