Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
