come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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