The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
