EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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