remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
