i will never coherently bang her
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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