just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
