I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just cropdusted the office
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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