Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
