Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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