dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
