Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize