i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
