Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
