Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
