it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
