my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
