She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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