i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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