so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
