He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
