I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
