i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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