bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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