I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
