it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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