Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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