there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize